An ego death and an epiphany

I love how sometimes I find "little pebbles" here and there and after a while I realize that I've been following a mysterious path that led me to the most surprising answers. As if someone would have left those little pebbles for me to find and ultimately guide me to the place I need to be. Because that is what I have been asking for recently: to be where I need to be.

The first pebble was @shivanitarksis post "So you are a retired starseed, now what?". I felt drawn to read it, then I had an inspiration and answered and as I was writing, it allowed an unconscious reflexion to come to the surface and make me realize things as I was writing them. It's as if I was answering myself more than I was actually answering shivani's post.

The second pebble was the next day. I didn't know what to do and suddenly thought that I could check if there were new videos from EA that I could watch. I saw the one titled "Starseeds Of The Galactic Federation: Earth Incarnations" and watched it. I thought, "Oh! Maybe that's the video shivani was talking about." and thought it was interesting that it was talking about what I shared in my answer the day before. In this video, EA also talked about her book.

The third pebble, was the book. I bought it and I am currently reading it. I've already found so much validation in it that I feel almost overwhelmed. The most fascinating thing is that I now realize that I am consciously witnessing one of my major ego deaths.

For years, and I literally mean YEARS, I've been searching for my purpose, my mission, the reason for my presence in this life. And for years, I've been feeling frustrated because I didn't seem to find any clear answer. The "retired starseed" concept that I've been interacting with since "pebble 1" a few days ago triggered a series of complex reflexions in the back of my mind. And that's what triggered an epiphany: no answer, is an answer. I keep asking what my mission is, I keep receiving no answer. After years of no answer, I'm finally getting it: I got no mission.

Now I find myself in front of a void. I've been seeking my purpose and mission for so many years that it literally became my identity, the one thing I was striving for the most. And now I understand that I've been puting so much energy into looking for something that doesn't exist. I'm left in front of nothingness. And the weirdest thing about it, is that I feel so deeply relieved, I could cry. I find that I'm ready to just let go and give up that search. To just let myself float into that void and enjoy its tranquility.

I also find that I don't feel guilty about it. Or ashamed. Or selfish. I just feel a quiet happiness about it. And I realize that if I want to be really honest with myself, well I don't want a mission. I just want to rest, and heal myself and love myself and be kind to myself. I want to enjoy my life. And if the entire world falls into chaos, well just call the GFL and leave me be. It is hard to use limited words to try and explain how I feel because it might sound like I don't give a shit anymore, but what I'm trying to explain is very positive, not negative. I'm simply letting go because I feel it's time that I give the reins to younger souls and just sit back and observe. Of course I'll help if someone asks but I won't be actively looking for someone to help anymore. Those who need my specefic help will find me. I'm simply switching to a more passive contribution.

I feel so peaceful right now. I can almost hear my guides sigh of relief and say "She finally got it..."

I truly need to rest in this life. My guides reminded me this morning how much I become exhausted each time I'm helping someone and that it was a clear sign that I didn't have enough energy to keep pushing myself to try and "find my mission" or "help others at all costs". A clear sign that I've been ignoring all my life and that led me to physical and emotional burnout twice in my short time already. First one at 27, the other at 38. Now I'm 42 and I'm starting to feel my energy come back to me and I believe it is absolutely not a coincidence that this ego death and epiphany present themselves to me at this time. Just when I was starting to feel that it was time to search more actively for my purpose and mission again, to put even more energy into it... and thus start another cycle that would surely lead me to yet another burnout.

So I'm done with it. For now, I just want to sit in front of that void, in front of that nothingness and appreciate its silence and tranquility. I know other parts of my soul are working somewhere else in this universe and in the multiverse and I'm happy for them. But this part of myself, writing these words, is done for now. It's time to rest, to love myself and simply enjoy all the little things. Work is gonna knock on my door soon enough when I'll transition so I better take this opportunity to just sit back and observe our youngs taking the lead and be grateful for this "new generation".